‘Life After Lockup’ Recap: Angela’s Dreams Go Up in Smoke

Life After Lockup has kicked off a new season for the new year. And the premiere “Skeletons In the Closet” did not disappoint. The Love After Lockup spinoff was chock full of love, lies, menthol and bad decisions. Angela starts the episode off tending a small fire. And no it’s not the ever-present cigarette burning in her hand. Shane Whitlow gets schooled on the facts of life while Lacey gets shady texts from her ex.

The Love After Lockup trio Megan, Sarah and Michael Simmons are back along with a mystery third female with bad timing. And Andrea Edwards drops a bomb on her Mormon pals over non-alcoholic fizzy drinks. Grab your near beer, a loofah and some penicillin and let’s jump in. Life After Lockup is on Friday nights at 9 PM on WE TV.

Life After Lockup Recap: Angela’s Ashes Over Tony

This Life After Lockup recap shows that WEtv pulled no punches in its new season debut. We begin with a closeup of Angela tending a small fire with a lit Pall Mall secured in her tooth hole. She’s mad as hell…. and she ain’t gonna take Tony’s crap no more. To prove it, she’s burning the 3 things he gave her. A letter asking her to send cash, a shirt he found under the bed at the hoe-tel he works at and a dusty M&M from an ashtray.

It seems Angela played detective on Tony’s phone after he left their bed and became “distant”. She ‘s a regular Sherlock Holmes when it comes to digging up dirt on the felon she’s financed for so long. The one who chose a $4.99 chuck-eye steak instead of her gobbling his knob like a hungry beaver. It seems Tony is rollin’ like a pimp over at the local Blow and Breakfast where he works. Angela’s on to him and his brothel of toothless wimmin’ on Life After Lockup alright.

On Life After Lockup Angela confronts Tony after a long day at work. He says those messages mean nothing. It’s just talk. And reminds producers he’s got to live here. Because you know parole. She pushes and pokes him and he tells her to get her hands off him. She throws his stuff out in a bag and says if it’s not gone by dusk she’ll start the fire again. And calls one of the hoe-tel girls to say she’s sending him her way. And off he goes to miss Brandy. On the bike Angie bought him. Good stuff.

Shane Whitlow Learns About The Birds And The Bees

Lacey and Shane Whitlow go to a fertility clinic and meet up with Dr. Robin. She calls them a cute couple on Life After Lockup.

They are there to see if Lacey can get her tubes untied. Shane wants to be a daddy. So he’s asking his wife to undo the one wise decision she ever made. But, at least she can finally have a baby without having to order it a 23 and Me when it grows up.

Shane Says He Bangs Lacey Several Times A Day

On Life After Lockup Dr. Robin asks Shane if he’s ready to be a dad at 22. He says he sure is. And he’s banging Lacey 5 to 10 times a day. He wants a boy. But if a girl pops out they’ll just try again. Dr. Robin suggests an IVF process. In other words frozen sperm, eggs and even embryos. Shane’s eyes widen. After all he entered prison before he completed sex ed. So he raises his hand and asks what exactly an embryo is. He gets an answer and some nekkid pics to help with the masturbatin’.

Later on the Life After Lockup recap, Lacey and Shane prepare to move out of her rental to a house she bought with her ‘modeling money’. Shane swills well vodka out of a glass and irritates the movers. Lacey admits that 22-year-old Shane, fresh out of prison as well as unemployed can’t stop the bottle once he starts. The perfect environment to start a family of course. So she lurks behind the shed and answers a text from her ex John. Or as she says “Chon”. Then does her hair toss, checks her nails, baby how you really feelin?

Life After Lockup Recap: Andrea Edwards Spills The Real Tea at The Sip and See

On Life After Lockup, Mormon mom Andrea Edwards is still in Utah while hubby Lamar Jackson is back rollin’ with the homies in LA. It seems that Mormons do a thing called a “Sip and See” after one of them has a baby. So instead of a bunch of women getting trashed on a Saturday afternoon on White Zin and playing baby poop bingo, they sip lemonade and do crafts. They grill Andrea about Lamar. She says he’s back in LA. And she hasn’t seen him since he bolted.

Being sober doesn’t stop the gang from getting screechy and judgey. After steeling herself with a gulp of Welch’s sparkling white grape she gets to the real s*it. She explains that her and Lamar had a prison relationship for 7 years. And that her youngest child Priscilla is only 5. They all stare blankly as the fumes from the hot glue gun are affording at least some kind of high. Then one gets it. And starts yelling conjugal visit, conjugal visit while another one’s head explodes. Literally.

On Life After Lockup, Andrea Edwards calmly explains that no. There was no conjugal visit. You have to be married for that. One suggests that she took an injection of something. Or saw Dr. Robin and got some of Shane’s frozen sperm. Andrea whispers that she shelled out some cash for what’s called “closet time”. And that it’s illegal, but Lamar’s off parole now. And living in LA which she calls a dangerous and toxic environment. You know, like an illegal hook up in a prison closet.

Sarah, Michael Simmons, Megan and A New Girl Return to Life After Lockup

Everybody’s favorite  Life After Lockup love triangle are back for a fresh new season of lies and deceit. Michael Simmons is still miffed that Megan kissed his homeboy while he was back in. After all he had enough to deal with being married and having a second baby with Sarah Simmons. Dang girl you done messed it all up. But he calls his thing with Megan a force he can’t stop. Until another chick rings him up and he’s all smiles. He tells producers she’s another female who just has bad timing.

On Life After Lockup, Megan is thrilled when Michael shows up. And invites him out with her and her friend B. Michael quickly gets a shot of Patron as he knows that B sees right through him. He grills Michael like Dr. Phil. His lies, his secret marriage, his kids. And Michael really doesn’t have much to say as he knows he’s right. He lies some more and says there are no other girls. B says his pal Meg is too good for this dude he simply calls “forehead”. But she’s gotta figure it out herself.

Michael’s adorable daughter Aviahna wants to speak to her dad. Mom Sarah says Michael isn’t involved with neither of the girls at this point. She sets Aviahna up with the phone to FaceTime daddy. Knowing he probably won’t answer. When he doesn’t, she offers to “play daddy” for her. Which is when the scene becomes sad. Because Sarah does the worst Michael impression ever. You put a ball cap on and say pretty girl? You sound like Kelly Ripa. We know you can do better than that.

Brittany Dodd & Marcelino Santiago Defy the Odds and Are Expecting Baby Number 2

On the premiere of Life After Lockup, we learned about closet time, the shelf life of frozen sperm and how to smoke, talk and start a small fire all at the same time. So Brittany Dodd and Marcelino Santiago’s screen time was a kind of a yawn. The couple is doing well. So well in fact that despite some sort of ten-year birth control implant, Marcelino’s swimmers powered through. So they are at the doctor getting an ultra sound.

Brittany says life is better than she ever expected. And son Giovanni is now with them full-time. The couple tell Gio about the new baby and he is happy. Brittany says she would like to name this baby as Marcelino snuck in and named the last one while she was still knocked out. The couple have the baby’s gender put in an envelope but will keep it a secret for now. Be sure to catch Life After Lockup Friday nights at 9PM  on TLC.

You can read all about the new season of Life After Lockup by checking Soap Dirt daily.