One takeaway from 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days season 2 episode 5 “Seeds of Doubt” is that foreign bars are depressing and you must be cut steak on the bias to be juicy. Jon Walters dirty laundry was aired for Rachel Bear and she found it stinky. Paul Staehle was creepier than ever and Angela Deem continued her “conquer Nigeria” tour. Hazel ran, but not fast enough and Darcey Silva ruined everything.
Rachel Bear and Jon Walters – Before the 90 Days
90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days began with Jon Walters and Rachel Bear about to hit the town to meet Jon’s friends. Baby Lucy was exiled to her room upstairs alone. Lucy will star in the UK sequel to Flowers in the Attic. Rachel told Jon’s mum to give the kid a bottle if she cries really hard for ten minutes.
After such solid advice, they hit up a pub in Weston-SuperMarket. Jon’s friends look like over-eager pledges at the fraternity house where no one wants to party. Rachel wasted no time cross-examining them about Jon’s criminal record. We were told in an aside by one of the mates that Jon is an “absolute mental case”.
? right I don’t see the problem RT @RealityTVBits: “I ended up punching a GROUP of guys”
This is what happens when a pack of drunken men disrespect women on Jon’s watch.
— Siri (@DiscoLemonaaade) September 3, 2018
An Absolute Mental Case? Where Do I Sign Up?
They later informed Rachel that Jon’s issues stemmed from when he would “go on the piss” and “womanize”. Rachel responded with a blank stare. In an attic across town, Lucy cried hard for more than ten minutes. Later, Rachel questioned Jon about his criminal past which it seems mostly amounted to punching people – lots of people.
Jon explained that those days are over as he now has something to lose. Jon mumbled something about better to stamp on people than be stamped on. Lucy sat between them just grateful to see the light of day. Wonder if she ever got that bottle?
90 Day Fiance – Lost in Translation in Brazil
Down in Brazil on 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days, Paul Staehle was frustrated. His domestic bliss with Karine Martins is falling short. They headed to a cafe and chat via translator app. Paul was extremely miffed that he does the housework while Karine lays in bed chatting on social media. Sounded more like Paul is in a relationship with Siri than Karine.
He channeled his inner Danielle Jbali by blaming social media for their relationship problems. He ignored the obvious issue that he carries around his mother’s hair a la Norman Bates. He asked Karine if she will change a baby’s diaper. Karine had the robo-voice call him an idiot. Even electronic devices seem to relish calling Paul names.
— BallsDeepInDaVzone (@DeepInDaVzone) September 3, 2018
Paul Staehle Confesses Monstrous Behavior to Karine Martins’ Parents
Later, a sullen Karine and Paul paid a visit to her parents with a human translator in to. Karine broke down and admitted that Paul is different when they aren’t around. She said he banned her from talking to other people. Karine’s mother asked if there is something missing in the relationship that led Karine to talk to other men.
Paul interjected to say its only when she talks intimately to other men. Cue flashback to the heart-eyed emojis which spurred yet another pregnancy test and eye twitching from Paul. Karine now doubts if she wants to marry Paul. The translator got a gleam in his eye while giving Paul the bad news. Later, Karine and her mama went wedding dress shopping.
Karine said yes to a dress while her mother cried. Who wouldn’t if your future son-in-law had multiple restraining orders. No doubt her mom was praying Karine doesn’t end up living in a Louisville firehouse. Shout out to #bhatman.
Ricky was ready to propose to his "soul mate" Melissa. But now…
— TLC Network (@TLC) August 30, 2018
Ricky Reyes: Any Columbian Woman Will Do Apparently
In Columbia on 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days, Ricky Reyes sat alone again in a bar and sucked on a mojito. All this scene needed was “All By Myself” playing in the background. Reyes perpetuated the lie that he was in a relationship with mystery Melissa and blamed her for ditching him.
Then he switched gears rapidly because, apparently, any Columbian woman will do for him. So, don’t count little 5’6” Ricky out just yet. As it turned out, Melissa had university homework and orthodontist appointments, so Ricky was talking to Ximena, another Colombian Cupid cutie.
Ximena said she was attracted to Ricky’s “sexy bad boy face.” His flubbed text asked if she wanted to hook up tonight. With alarming quickness, she counter-offered tomorrow while he did a tiny little jig of joy.
— John Yates (@JohnYates327) September 3, 2018
Ricky Sets a Seedy Seduction Scene
A day later, Ximena drove five hours away to meet little Ricky. While she commuted, Ricky went fully Cosby and bought (not one, not two but…) three bottles of wine. Looks like Ricky put out enough wine to sedate Ximena and Melissa, should she choose to appear.
He secured chocolates and rose petals to sprinkle. Seems he’s on Chapter 2 of “How to Creep a Woman Out on a First Date For Dummies”.
Ricky chugged wine for courage and changed shoes to add a little more height. Unless they were stilts, good luck, Ricky. Ximena actually turned out to be lovely and gave him a gift of maracas. She even asked him to sleep in the bed with her without a pillow barrier. Misguided Ximena told the camera that Ricky came to Colombia just to meet her. She said she felt “special” because he came all that way just for her.
Turns out Ricky is as honest with his cupid meet-ups as he is with TLC production. Ricky knows he must tell her about Melissa, who is surely somewhere studying. This is getting good and it looks like Ricky got lucky.
— Morra (@ntmorra) September 3, 2018
Michael Ilesanmi Asked Angela Deem to Cover the Coconuts
Meanwhile over in Africa, 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days Angela Deem and Michael Ilesanmi are at the glorious Lagos Travel Inn. Angela got ready to go with Michael to meet his friends. Our girl was struggling – hot, sweaty and in need of nicotine. Things got worse when Michael told her to cover up her dirty pillows.
This aggravated Angela and she pointed out where she’s from “this doesn’t look like a hooch.” (Yes, it does). Angela changed to a cold shoulder top with “Flawless” emblazoned on the front. Apparently, they don’t have irony or supportive bras in Hazelhurst, Georgia. Michael played nice but she raged, “stop hugging me while I’m sweating.” So I guess that means no more hugs while she’s in Nigeria.
Michael flat-ironed her hair but couldn’t work any miracles. Flawless indeed.
— Truth (@factistru) September 3, 2018
Michael Thinks He’s Hit the Mother Lode with the Grandma
Angela met Michael’s friends who seemed bewildered by her appearance and outspokenness. Like Rachel in the UK, she quizzed them on his past. They stayed strong and promised he’s a stand-up guy and she’s his only one. When she went to relieve herself (her words), they asked him what turns him on about her. Michael replied, “she will take care of me”.
Michael – you might want to call Annie and asked how that worked out for her. Careful or he too might find himself squatting in a storage warehouse without a stove. Later, they headed to a nature preserve and noshed on pizza en route. Local wildlife scampered in Angela’s flawless wake. Michael decided they should test the weight limits on a jungle rope bridge, terrifying other park visitors.
Angela bolted out screaming at Michael to stop wiggling the ropes (it wasn’t Michael, it was physics). Her boobs arrived several minutes ahead of her. Sure looked like the bro crew held back waiting to see if the bridge survived the stress. Angela chastised Michael on being a real man. Michael’s got his eye on the prize – the good old USA. Just close your eyes and think of your green card and it’ll all be okay…
— Myriam ? (@maximusmom22) September 3, 2018
Tarik Myers & Hazel – Run Forrest Run
On 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days Tarik recovered from the five-hour exorcism disguised as a church service. Tarik’s brother Dean arrived in the Philippines. He wants to make sure Tarik isn’t getting played by Hazel. Dean wasted no time getting to the tough questions about Hazel’s ex and the fact that she doesn’t have custody of her son.
Hazel seemed speechless then began to cry but that could be because she just realized Tarik is wearing a fishnet shirt. Dean stormed out. Not long after, Hazel ran off into the streets with Tarik taking off after her in a slow, labored jog yelling her name. Come on dude, Angela’s boobs run faster than that.
— Alfred Paul (@gamingandfit) September 3, 2018
Vain and Vainer – Darcey Silva and Jesse Meester
Darcey Silva survived the night in the Connecticut Airbnb on 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days. The hatred was palpable as Jesse Meester made small talk about a nice breeze. Darcey babbled about making a beautiful dinner for her two daughters, Aspen and Anika. Jesse was tense and they argued. He refused a trip to the supermarket – still not interested in playing fadder.
Jesse opted out while Darcey took a walk in pleather shorts and boots, fake ponytail flying behind her. This is exactly the look that comes to mind when you wonder what kind of a woman names her child Aspen. Jesse relented and went to the grocery store – perhaps he realized they probably sell rat poison and earplugs.
Jesse got eerily excited about a small “Darcy-sized carrot cake“ and actually smiled for the first time since he arrived in the US. They pondered Rice-a-Roni flavors and consulted a butcher for steaks. Darcey squeaked the steaks are for her daughters. Jesse immediately qualified that he is NOT their fadder as a rare bead of sweat rolled down his glacier-like forehead.
“Darcey Ruins Everything”
Later, Darcey accused Jesse of veering the cart towards diapers and baby items (he denied it) and she speechified that she’s not 24. They picked up the girls and headed to the white picket Airbnb house of lies. Darcey threw around words like team, family, and bonding while Jesse fixated on the tiny carrot cake.
Dinner headed towards the dumpster when the stove didn’t heat up fast enough for Darcey. Jesse admonished her to have patience. She had none, took over his steak prep, lectured him to cut the meat on the bias and he stormed out. Darcey parroted the cutting on the bias mantra ad nauseam. Then she reminded all watching that in addition to having a clothing line and being a pop star, she also worked in a restaurant.
Jesse told Darcey that they were having a nice time as a family but she ruins everything. The kids took their mom’s side while Jesse ranted on the porch. The episode of 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days ended with Darcey ugly crying (again) to the producers because she just wants love and juicy steak cut on the bias.
**This recap comes courtesy of guest blogger Natalie Smiley and in no way reflects the opinions of Soap Dirt or its staffers and affiliates (although we think it’s hilarious).