90 Day Fiance: ‘Family Ties’ Recap – Creepiest Episode Ever? – S2 E4 Before the 90 Days

90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days season 2 episode 4 “Family Ties” bears no resemblance to the Michael J Fox sitcom. Not unless Meredith Baxter Birney ever served snail to guests or cried in church for six hours. As usual, TLC did not disappoint – it’s always fun to watch the international trainwrecks of “love” in their desperate attempts to find companionship (and green cards).

Angela Deem and Michael Ilesanmi in Africa – Before the 90 Days

We begin 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days with the ever-enthusiastic Angela Deem. She’s got on hoop earrings large enough for circus monkeys to jump through. She is ready to meet Michael Ilesanmi’s mom. His mama is a lovely lady who just needs a little help in accepting gifts graciously. Angela presents her with the lavender purse with a bible verse on it. It looks like something from a hospital gift shop. Mama says she would rather have one like Angela’s oversized leopard sack.

As always in this show, the mother prepared a culinary delight for the aspiring spouse to try. It’s hard to top sheep’s head and chicken feet, but it’s a pretty good try. Michael’s mom lifts the lid to reveal what looks like atrophied human ears but is really a snail. Our Angela takes a mouthful. Class as ever, she regurgitates into Michael’s mouth like a ruminating goat feeding her kid. (As if Angela pouncing on him while he begged for mercy wasn’t enough…) Mom gives her a stamp of approval but wishes that Angela would be “obedient“ to her son.

Angela’s Ashes…

I hate to break it to his mom, but the only thing Angela is obedient to is bad tank tops and nicotine. Good luck with that. She quizzes Michael’s friends on the validity of his “I can’t have your pictures on my phone because I’ll get arrested” claim. They back him up. Michael decides it would be fun to go to the market so they can get “matchmaking“ outfits. Angela isn’t having any of it and finds cigarettes for sale on the street which makes her very happy.

Michael objects but this doesn’t stop the good ‘ol girl from partaking in a smoke (Marlboro Reds even though they blurred it). Post-smoke, Angela and Michael look at dresses. Michael tells the sales girl that Angela is fat. She smacks his face twice and goes off to find solace in another cigarette. Michael motions to the camera that she’s big from the tummy downward. Michael’s dropping some real on her but Angela, like Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, can’t handle the truth.

Narcissism in New York – Darcey Silva and Jesse Meester

The next couple under the 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days microscope last night was Darcey Silva and Jesse Meester. The Dutchman and his diva go for pizza in Times Square. Jesse sports a faux Burberry pashmina from a street vendor, still wrinkled where it was folded. Darcey should be careful hanging around in New York too much longer. Her lips are now so over-inflated she could fly in the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade.

She immediately asks Jesse about the picture with her daughters. That spurs a cringe-worthy clip where she says “those are your step kids” as his obvious hatred deepens. Darcey triggers Jesse’s inner demons more than Chardonnay or the prospect of being a “fadder” by saying “social media.” Apparently, she is not allowed to use social media because Jesse thinks she can’t control herself and needs to continue her self-improvement.

Darcey Single Handedly Sets Back Women’s Movement

Next, 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days treated us to Jesse storming out. Darcey reminds viewers that she is a strong woman before going to bed in full makeup and using the words “I beg you.” The Ice running through Jesse’s veins freezes solid. He takes a shower to thaw out, reappears in a tiny robe, then crawls into bed with the hot mess that is Darcey. In the morning, they head to Connecticut. Darcey is in her best Connecticut tourism guide mode and keeps saying things about energy and beauty.

Once in the car, Jesse is thrilled by the looks of Connecticut after he sees a stream. He seems to be wearing a headband from Claire’s and asks Darcey why she has to shout. She reminds us again that she’s a strong woman after saying she’s doing everything she can to please him. In between bouts of passive-aggressive psychosis, Jesse wonders aloud if he can ride a bike to the grocery store. He again reminds of that he is “fusstraded” with Darcey ‘s drama.

Two Darceys is too many – 90 Day Fiance Terrible Twins

As if one Darcey wasn’t bad enough, we now get two. Darcey and twin Stacey are in bickering fine form. Stacey is skeptical of the relationship and delights in the fact that they’re fighting. Later, Jesse tells Darcey to be quiet as he tries to cam talk to 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days producers.

He walks off yet again as Darcey blubbers. Jesse’s probably pondering whether the stream he saw earlier is deep enough to dump her body once he finally snaps. At the Air BNB, Jesse went out to check out the back porch and swooped Darcey up in his arms. It looked for a moment like he was tempted to dump her into the yard but overcame his urges so Darcey lives to cry another day.

Gnomeo and Juliet – Jon Walters and Rachel Bear

Across the pond on 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days, Jon Walters and Rachel Bear go visit his sister Abby. She’s singularly the most unpleasant woman in Weston-Super-Mare, if not all of the UK. She makes Debbie Downer seem like a motivational speaker. Abby wastes no time informing Rachel that Jon is a dog, a player with a raunchy past and no ability to take care of a baby. Jon contradicts to say he only had two girlfriends to which she signals a Pinnochio nose to Rachel.

Sister Abby points out that they just haven’t had time to get bored yet and reminds them they are doomed. Later, Jon assists with a bath for Lucy as Rachel tells him she wants Lucy to call him dad. Jon does his best deer in headlights and says he doesn’t think it’s a good idea. Rachel then asks Lucy what his name is. The kid makes a sound like a cat choking up a hairball. Rachel is convinced the baby said “dada” while Jon relishes the fact that he gets to make bubbles when Lucy takes a bath.

Many fans are convinced baby Lucy is Jon’s progeny based on the dodgy timeline of Rachel and Jon’s love story. There are prior “alleged” visits to the UK for some hot gnome-loving action that could have spawned her little one.

90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days – Paul Staehle on the Prowl

Also on last night’s 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days, down in Brazil, Paul Staehle and Karine Martins walk the streets of Brazil. They head to get a marriage license. Karine sports a crop top and Paul is dressed to teach vacation bible school in khakis, blue shirt, and a red tie. They are approved to get married and go see their venue. It’s a small room with plastic chairs and generic walls that look like it could double for funeral viewings.

Karine, who is in need of a good astringent and conditioner, speaks through the app. She says she would like to start a family. Paul looks like he just burped up bile as the robo-voice conveys the baby request. He thinks it might not be a good time. But Karine thinks throwing a living breathing being into the middle of all this mess would stop them from fighting. This from a woman who still plays with stuffed animals. Paul half-heartedly agrees, at least for the moment.

Paul Plays Daddy to Karine Martins

Later, Paul wakes up in their new apartment and it looks like a unicorn bomb went off. He starts to clean and Karine giggles about wanting to sleep more. Paul says she lives like a teenager and is disgruntled at her lack of domesticity. They grocery shop and things take an even creepier turn (if that’s possible) as he says she acts like she’s twelve and she says he’s like “a dad.”

Eventually, Paul goes to the Internet cafe to Skype with his mom. She tells him that marriage and a baby are not a good idea especially since he’s got no money. Paul’s mom is a weirdo but she wins here. Who can say no to the woman whose bag of hair he carries with him when he travels? Seriously. He does…

Clueless in Columbia – Ricky Reyes and Melissa

Last night’s 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days had Ricky Reyes waking in Colombia full of vim, vigor and Central American coffee from a tiny cup. His caffeine buzz is short-lived however as mysterious Melissa informs him that she can’t hang out as she has to do university homework accompanied with a picture of papers with chicken scratch on them. It might be literal chicken scratch. Dejected, he calls his cousin Carlos who asks him the details of the much delayed “date“ the night before.

Ricky admits he turned his cheek when she went to kiss him. Carlos and Ricky surmise in glorious delusion that rejection is why she’s not coming out today. Flashback footage contradicts his assertion and then Ricky spends the day wandering the streets of Colombia in a Garanimals camo ensemble complete with a do-rag and requisite fanny pack. Hate to break it to you Ricky, but if Melissa isn’t already turned off, this outfit would’ve been the final straw.

He takes selfies and buys pictures on the street, tries a hat on and gnaws on some local meat while wondering where it all went wrong. It looks like Melissa didn’t know she was in a romance with Ricky so that could explain why things aren’t going well. What TLC doesn’t know can’t hurt them, right?

90 Day Fiance – Tarik Myers Trapped in Church with Hazel

Last night’s 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days had Tarik Myers and Hazel wake up and go meet her parents. Tarik seems to think a bright red tank top with a giant Sphinx on it is the best way to make a good impression. Hazel in her polo looks like she’s ready to put in a full day waiting on shoppers at Lady Footlocker. They climb into some sort of sidecar thing to go to Hazels parents’ humble abode. We see a chained dog and a rooster (also chained) along the route.

They walk into a tiny room dominated by a Hello Kitty bed on which they all sit. After some awkward compliments that might be interpreted as Tarik hitting on both her parents, they get down to the business of marriage faster than you can say water buffalo. They want to give them a blessing. They insist Tarik accompany them to church, which is very important. Tarik admits to not being a religious guy but hey how bad can it be right?

Tarik Finds Religion, Doesn’t Want It

They arrive at the church and the preacher, who looks like he came straight from the club and the ecstasy hasn’t worn off yet, is screaming THERE IS A GOD! This starts an official frenzy of crying, speaking in tongues, sweating and flinging yourself to the ground which is covered in sequins. Turns out Pentecostal churches are a thing in the Philippines.

Hazel’s mother gyrates like a jellyfish and someone looks to be vomiting in the corner. We later find out they do this for FIVE hours. Hazel’s mom is disappointed to find out that Tarik “doesn’t have religion.” He explains to Hazel that he does believe in God and prays privately but does not believe that recreating the Exorcist for half a day is really a healthy thing. This is satisfactory for Hazel as she dreams of a life where chickens run free and rooms are bigger than a full-size bed. Onto next week!

Check back to Soap Dirt often for more 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days spoilers and news.

 

**This recap comes courtesy of guest blogger Natalie Smiley and in no way reflects the opinions of Soap Dirt or its staffers and affiliates (although we think it’s hilarious).