The 90 Day Fiancé: Before the 90 Days recap of S2 E8 ‘Expecting the Unexpected’ drops bombshells with newlywed Karine Martins finally passing a pregnancy test. Darcey Silva gets new veneers. Hazel actually kisses Tarik Myers for longer than half a second. In Nigeria, Angela Deem gets her cake and eats it too. Rickey Reyes runs damage control and Marta has a cross to bear. Let’s catch up with our favorite couples.
90 Day Fiance – Michael Ilesanmi’s Green Card Dreams Fade
We start this episode of 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days in Nigeria where Angela Deem wakes. Her pink lycra spandex ensemble is working overtime to contain her while the Georgia granny slept alone. Meanwhile, her boy toy realizes he’ll be stuck in Africa if he can’t make things right. With a green card on his mind, Michael Ilesanmi pleads forgiveness.
Ang is not happy and says the spark is gone now. However, since she can’t afford to change her ticket, she decides to stay the course. Michael breathes a sigh of relief knowing he has more time to plot his path to the states. On the car ride home, Angela sleeps mouth open while potholes jiggle her funbags triggering faultline incidents all along the continental shelf.
— 36 Ounces In A Kilo™ (@DONETHUGIN_CIAO) September 24, 2018
Before the 90 Days – Michael Panics Over Angela Deem ‘Black Guy’
On 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days, Michael needed his honey awake for wooing, so he subtly hit her in the face with a duffel bag to rouse his sleeping beauty. Angela Deem yelled at the assault and said she’ll have a “black eye.” Michael panicked, thinking she said “black guy” and asked, “What black guy?” alarmed he might have green card competition.
Back at the glorious Lagos Travel Inn, Michael vows to make things right. In a cam talk, he reeked of desperation and said if he doesn’t, he will be stuck in Nigeria. (Spoiler alert: guess where he is currently?) Later, Angela road tests another fashion fiasco and they head out to eat and talk. She tells him she’s got just a few good years left and can’t waste them on lies about BJs at da club.
— Rachel Rowan (@rachelwrowan) September 26, 2018
If All Else Fails, Give the Woman Cake
90 Day Fiance displays Michael Ilesanmi’s warped wooing. Michael told Angela she’s been like a mother to him (that he bangs?) and pleaded with her to forgive him. Angela seemed unmoved – we’ve seen how she treats her children – twice she dragged daughter Scottie onto the Maury show. But that’s okay, like his hero, Michael has a trump card.
He whips out a cake that proclaims his love in icing. Would such a tacky and obvious ploy work? Of course. Angela dug into the cake like a cadaver dog at a mass burial. Michael lovingly wiped cake out of her blonde locks while Angela offered to put frosting on his man bits and lick it clean. Michael’s dream of making Angela his American mother-wife is still alive!
— Truth (@factistru) September 24, 2018
Rickey Reyes – 90 Day Fiancé Lying Liar That Lies
Switching to South America on 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days, it was time for the little Lothario. Ricky Reyes drummed up some fake tears after breaking Ximena Parra’s heart with the revelation that she was his segundo plato (her words). That means “second plate” in Spanish which means “second fiddle” in English. Sad girl spent 20 minutes in a single stall bathroom – we hoped she was carving a shiv. Alas, she did not.
After her time in los banos, Ximena demands the truth – something Ricky seems pathologically unable to render. She quizzed him on metal-mouth Melissa and he rushes to clarify he didn’t sleep with M. No one else in South America but Ximena was gullible enough to get naked with him. Ximena says she can’t trust him (no girl, you can’t) but still loves him. Why girl, why?
Push him in the Amazon and let the piranha make a buffet of his thickness and double-dealing deceit.
— Jill Torey (@ToreyJill) September 26, 2018
Darcey Silva Bites – Before the 90 Days
Back in ‘Merica on 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days, there’s a dental disconnect between Darcey Silva and her would be baby fadda Jesse Meester. Darcey makes a smoothie and dreams of being Mrs. Meester to Mr. Meester. She gets fresh highlights from her cousin and confides to her cuz that things didn’t go too well at the AirBnB from hell.
Darcey’s excited about Jesse coming to New York. Her cousin tells her she’s too old for this kind of shoe throwing sh*t-show that is their relationship. Undeterred, Darcey heads to the dentist to get her veneers refitted in anticipation of Jesse’s arrival. Her dentist must have worked in Hollywood because he installed a spare set of equine chompers from the set of Mr. Ed.
— CaDo (@Crayolaworld) September 24, 2018
Jesse Broods on Beach About His Beetch
Oblivious (or apathetic) to Darcey’s delusions, Jesse Meester walks the beach in Amsterdam. He ponders how best to devastate his older American lover with his decision to cut their love on the bias. While on the beach, he looks for a friend. Finding none, he conjures a gym rat to score a cameo on the TLC show. His “friend” whatshisname offers Jesse advice.
Jesse and his bro meet in what looks like an Ikea cafe and confides he is “fusstraded”. He can’t deal with the lies, manipulation and ill-cooked Rice a Roni. His buddy advises a Skype send-off but Jesse decides he’d like to see her ugly cry in person one last time and books a flight to the states.
Darcey packs her emotional baggage and hops a train to meet her Amsterdude. She’s confident he’ll propose. Jesse’s coming to crush her. Turns out he found out something horrible about her. What is it? What can be worse than the horrors we’ve already seen? We can’t wait til next week’s 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days to see this trainwreck explode!
Rachel: I’m going to marry a British man I only met once and he has anger issues.
— CHRIS TORELLO (@TorelloSports) September 24, 2018
90 Day Fiance – Immigration Indignities for Jon and Rachel
Down in New Mexico on 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days, baby Lucy Bear is free of the Flowers in the Attic scene in Weston-Super-Market and back in her own bed. Mama Bear Rachel and her sanitation sweetie Jon Walters have decided to get married in two weeks back in the UK. They discuss wedding plans but first Rachel consults an immigration attorney.
The lady lawyer delivers bad news to Rachel and Jon via Skype. She says Jon’s bar-brawling backstory means he might not be able to come to America for three years even after he puts a ring on it. It seems she and her Hobbiton hottie are destined to be c*ck-blocked by the government indefinitely. Rachel fusses about no one affording a ticket to fly to their British nuptials.
— Laura Cherry (@cherrygirl423) September 24, 2018
There’s Something About the Wedding Shop Clerk
90 Day Fiance shoots b-roll in a Texas wedding frock emporium with amazing extra cast. Rachel Bear’s bestie Sherry has smoky eye so deep it looks like she was in a Sharpie soot fire. And the wedding dress clerk found Something About Mary hair gel at Sally Beauty Supply and applied it liberally. Thank you, TLC!
Rachel laments that she once weighed a buck-oh-five and now she’s struggling to zip into sequined sized 12 gowns. They finally pack her into a frothy white number but the 750 price tag leaves her stunned. Sounds like time for yet another Rachel-Jon GoFundMe. Rachel cam talks that she and her waste management dreamboat live paycheck to paycheck so they’re on a two-pence budget.
— Mark Schipper (@MyTimesProse) September 24, 2018
Tarik Myers Desperation Grows – 90 Day Fiance
In the Philippines on 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days, Tarik Myers takes Hazel Cagalitan away from his awful brother to a gorgeous resort. It’s called El Nido which is Filipino for “you ain’t getting none…” Non-swimmers Hazel and Tarik bundle into lifejackets for aqua fun while Hazel keeps him at arm’s length.
After a frolic in the rain and boat ride, Hazel turns to him deadpan and dead-eyed and declares her love. Tarik’s thrilled, oblivious that she’s looking past him to a better life in America. Tarik is happy that she finally kisses him longer than his grandma does. Producers ask if she really loves him. Hazel pauses so long they break for lunch then finally says yes. Paul’s translator app has more emotion than this girl.
— John Yates (@JohnYates327) September 24, 2018
Marta’s Cross to Bear – Before the 90 Days
On 90 Day Fiance, Marta Maldanado packs for her trip to Algeria to meet Daya. She is clueless she needs a Visa to go to another country then learns she needs a letter of invitation from Daya to make the trek. She and her Muslim man Skype while she makes sure her giant crucifix necklace is front and center to affront him.
While explaining about the letter via translator app, Daya triggers on her Catholic accessory. He starts yelling to someone about the offending jewelry and hangs up on her. Girl, you better heed what that psychic told your mama. Marta can’t have more than an episode or two left since everyone knows she never left the US and Daya’s not who she thinks.
— Corine (@corine354) September 17, 2018
90 Day Knock-Up Karine Martins Passes a Pregnancy Test
Before the 90 Days was down in Brazil where Paul Staehle was running like Forrest Gump. Karine Martins hides out with her auntie and mom while Paul skypes his Kentucky mama for advice. She offers some marital advice and Norman Bates takes it to heart. Then he gets a call that Karine’s at the clinic and runs off. He shows up but forgot to bring fire-ant-infested flowers to his bride. Oh well.
— marie (@m_sarr) September 24, 2018
Karine might be pregnant! Paul doesn’t know how this could have happened. Did he sleep through that day in sex-ed? The doctor orders a blood test while Paul asks inane questions via his translator app. Karine’s mother looks to be plotting Paul’s demise by throwing him in mosquito-infected poop water.
The trio heads to a cafe to wait for the results. Paul asks Karine if she still wants a divorce and she shrugs. Her mother is ready to send Paul packing and raise the baby with Karine. The doctor confirms what everyone with a social media account already knows. Paul impregnated his childlike bride. That’s all for the episode of 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days S2 E8 ‘Expecting the Unexpected’.
Come back to Soap Dirt often for lots more 90 Day Fiance spoilers and news.
**This recap comes courtesy of guest blogger Natalie Smiley and in no way reflects the opinions of Soap Dirt or its staffers and affiliates (although we think it’s hilarious).