90 Day Fiance: Kalani’s Cheeto-Fueled Road Rage – Season 6 Episode 5 Recap ‘Not What I Thought’

The 90 Day Fiance Recap features Kalani Faagata scarfing Cheetos while screaming at poor Asuelu Pulaa. But before the psychotic snack break, TLC slapped up a disclaimer. It warned of gruesome actual footage of Olga Koshimbetova‘s C-section surgery for anyone faint of heart. Steven Frend cried but didn’t faint as his son was born.

Fernanda Flores acted her age then got Jonathan Rivera hot and bothered at the gym. Colt Johnson proposed to acrophobic Larissa Christina. Let’s dig in and see what happened on 90 Day Fiance Season 6 Episode 5 ‘Not What I Thought‘.

Kalani Faagata and Asuelu Pulaa Take Baby to Mormon Homeland

As 90 Day Fiance started, Kalani Faagata and Asuelu Pulaa pack up the AirBnB to make the six-hour trek to Utah with baby Oliver on board. In her aside, Kalani tells us that she has no other options but to take the offer her parents gave to live in their Utah future-retirement home. How about getting a job? She flips her hair and whines about leaving her sister.

The ride starts out innocently enough with baby snug in his car seat next to dad. Asuelu asks how much a nice car cost in America – He guesses around $100.

Asuelu frets about accidents on the freeway and Kalani admits it can be dangerous. After telling her 90 Day Fiance how dangerous the roads are, she spends most of her time with her head turned watching the backseat instead of watching the road in front of her.

Meanwhile, she sucks on a big gulp Icee and shovels Cheetos out of a bag into her gullet. At times both of her hands are off the wheel as she’s not watching the road.

Inevitably, the baby gets fussy so Kalani hands back a toy.

She uses the word annoying and Asuelu asks if that’s her family word. It’s her and her sister Kolini’s word according to Kalani. Eager to use it in a sentence, Asuelu says that she and her sister are the most annoying people in the world. No truer words have ever been spoken on 90 Day Fiance. Asuelu doesn’t get how car seats are a thing in America.

Baby Oliver rejects Dad’s attempts at settling him with a pacifier and begins a steady crescendo of crying. Kalani joins in, screaming at Asuelu. He gets flustered and plucks Oliver from the car seat to comfort him.

Kalani, who’s flying down the freeway at an admitted 80 miles an hour while bingeing cheesy snacks, absolutely flips her lid.

Road Rage And Cheeto Fingers on 90 Day Fiance

Kalani begins screaming and waving her faux-cheese-dusted fingers screaming “You do not take a f*cking baby out of a f*cking car seat!” After pulling off the road she takes Oliver away from his dad while admonishing Asuelu who looks like a dejected kid. She lectures him on the dangers of a baby not being secured.

Because going 80 on the freeway and not watching the road and using both hands to eat (instead of steering) with cheese-covered fingers is the epitome of good parenting and safe travel choices. The road trip gets back underway and Kalani tries to talk to Asuelu who simply puts his fingers in his ears. She admits to producers she experienced “black out rage” and wanted to deck him. Asuelu gives her the silent treatment.

Asuelu Says He’s Not a Slut

After surviving the road trip and Kalani’s rage, the trio makes it to Utah. Kalani’s brother and housemate Nick Faagata greets Asuelu with a special gift – a prophylactic. Asuelu is taken aback by the rubbery gift. He says condoms are for sluts and that he is no slut. Much like the rest of family Faagata, Nick doubts Asuelu’s worthiness for his sister.

Kalani calls out Asuelu’s assertion that the condom was a rude gift and that only sluts use them. She assures him that smart people use them. Asuelu says he wants 4 kids so he’s fine riding bareback. Kalani thinks he has no clue and says taking care of children is more than just going out back and grabbing a pineapple. It involves diapers and taxes. And common sense. Something neither seems to have at the moment.

Did TLC Hire Rent-a-Cops?

Fernanda Flores sits in the car pouting and finger pointing at her 90 Day Fiance Jonathan Rivera. Last week’s episode ended with Fernanda spotting him dancing with a blonde in red (whom Colt Johnson claimed is an actress). Jonathan says the woman wasn’t even his type, which is probably true because the woman was over 20 years old. But the jealous teeny-bopper Fernanda got angrier.

A “police” car drove by to ask if everything is okay. Jonathan assures them it’s fine. Was it really the Myrtle Beach cops though or just parking lot security that TLC threw a $20 and asked them to drive by and flash their lights? They return to the hotel and Jonathan gaslights her by telling her if the blonde pressed charges, Fernanda’s citizenship could be denied. She says she would be alright with that.

Fernanda’s Gym Grunts Give Jonathan a Chub

With true teen girl angst, she confides to the camera’s she’s still not over the used “tong”. Truthfully neither are viewers of 90 Day Fiance. Jon in his tired backwards-cap over-the-hill-frat boy look manages to smooth things over and tells producers Fer is “explosive”. Wiping tears from her face, he comments on her runny makeup. She says it costs a lot, but is on his credit card so…

Back in Lumberton on 90 Day Fiance, Jonathan and Fernanda hit the gym. Jonathan Rivera admits that there is a lot of sexual energy when he works out with Fernanda Flores. What he really means is that Fernanda groans, moans, and thrusts her pelvis while she “works out”. Every single dude is watching and Fernanda says she doesn’t do it for attention. Girl, please.

Fernanda punches a heavy bag with no wraps or gloves and Jonathan stands behind it probably to conceal the growing chubber in his pants. Fernanda sweats and the gym pervs get amped up. If things don’t work out with Jonathan, Fer’s got a fan club to choose from.

In another 90 Day Fiance shudder-inducing moment, Jonathan breaks it to Fer that he and his mother were best friends until the past year. Turns out he curb-kicked mommy dearest to hang out in Mexico with her. Plus, Mama Rivera found out about Fernanda on social media. The tearful teen looks like she wants to bypass the bag and punch him in the face and who can blame her?


Viewer Discretion Advised: 90 Day Fiance On-Camera C-Section

This week on 90 Day Fiance we are whisked back to the ominous Russian hospital with the creepy giant lit-up baby sign on it. Olga Koshimbetova is ready for her C-section and Steven is right there, not shutting up for even a moment. A TLC notice warns viewers they would see actual surgery footage and they didn’t disappoint – we literally see the whole operation up-close and personal.

Robust baby Richie (name after Steven’s father, who passed away) arrives in all his 4.5-kilo glory. Steven displays every American’s knowledge gap when it comes to the metric system and asks how many inches that is (it’s almost 10 pounds. Steven cries tears of happiness and the dour Russian doc mocks him. The new dad vows his son will have the childhood he never had.

A-Hole Steven Tells Olga Not To Be an A-Hole

Then on 90 Day Fiance, disgruntled Steven wants Olga and adorable baby Richie out of the hospital ASAP. Olga makes him wash his hands before touching the baby. Steven washes his hands, then decides against using the clean towel to dry his hands and wipes them on his dirty shirt. So much for getting rid of germs.

He has only been able to see his fiance and baby for an hour a day. After learning they can come home, he manhandles Olga who admonishes him to quit touching her and the baby so much. This upsets Steven and he starts getting sh*tty with Olga and tells producers she’s “taking her time” to get out of there after her surgery.

Olga asks him to help pack and he starts slinging dirty shoes and pouting. The germ-fearing new mom makes him wash his hands again and Steven begins to unravel. He tells Olga she will not be an a**hole to him while himself totally being an a**hole. Fans of 90 Day Fiance were not happy with his attitude. Doesn’t he realize she literally just had another human cut out of her body?

Larissa Christina Wants a Sexy Ride With AC

Back in Vegas on 90 Day Fiance, Colt Johnson and Larissa Christina Dos Santos Lima swelter in the car and she calls it a nightmare. Larissa wants a luxury car with sex appeal and coolant. She guesses they could get one for around $500. This makes Colt laugh but he admits the onus is on him to provide relief from the desert heat. Larissa thinks she should be in charge of 70% of all marital decisions.

She needs to check her math since mother-wife Debbie controls 99.9 % of Colt’s money and decisions. Arriving at the car lot, they meet their salesman. Larissa requests “summtheeng blackie and truckie and sexxxyyy”. The salesman pulls up in a black SUV which makes Larissa extremely excited as the color matches her hair.

When Colt hears the sticker price of 23k, he puts the kibosh on the SUV. His budget is less than half that. Colt is thilled as the salesman pulls up in some strange red crossover for 10 grand. Larissa calls it a cheapie. Colt points out that it’s not pleasant driving a car with no AC but also not impossible. They have a wedding to pay for after all. Larissa skulks off 0-for-2 in her quest for a sofa and a cool ride.


90 Day Fiance – Colt Johnson’s Stratospheric Proposal

90 Day Fiance Colt decided to propose to Larissa – this time with an actual ring. Maybe this will take away the sting of being couchless and suffering heatstroke anytime they drive anywhere. He takes deadly-afraid-of-heights Larissa to the absolute highest structure in Vegas, the Stratosphere Tower. Larissa is white-knuckled and clammy but Colt makes her sit by huge windows.

Coltee hauls her outside to scare her more. Drops to a knee and proposes. Larissa is thrilled. She approves of the ring since it’s “Classi-kee , sparkle-ee and really beautiful”. They wake bedhead Debbie to break the news. She again acts happy but secretly wishes she was wearing that rock.

Jay Smith and Ashley Martson go to Market

Then on 90 Day Fiance, Ashley Martson and Jay Smith head to an Amish market in Mechanicsburg, PA. Jay feels uncomfortable as he points out that he’s the only black person in the market. He claims people are looking at him because he’s black. But he seems to forget he’s walking around with a television camera crew surrounding him. That may also explain why people are staring.

He explains that markets in Jamaica are a little different with cows, chickens, and dogs running amok. Another difference is no camera crew trailing you on the island, right?

Ashley explains where she lives, West Shore, is also known as White Shore. Jay reiterates his fears of being targeted by cops.

In brighter news, her young lover perks up when he sees a jar of pickles. Apparently, in Jamaica, pickles (like white sugar) are rich folks food. Ashley springs for a jar of gherkins and Jay eagerly digs in. He taunts Ashley with the briny snack asking her if she wants the long pickle.

Bro Talk at Barber Shop

Jay decides it’s time for his first haircut in the states as a 90 Day Fiance. Ashley’s friend recommends the GQ Barber Shop in Harrisburg, a decidedly more diverse place than White Shore. Jay confides in his homies that he is uncomfortable with all the white people everywhere. They question how he ended up in Mechanicsburg and Jay tells them about Ash.

The guys bust Jay’s chops about getting married at 20. They talk about only eating one type of donut for the rest of your life. Jay acknowledges he’d skip marriage if he could stay in the US without it. They ease up when he says he can get divorced in two years but tells producers he wants to marry Ashley. Perhaps true love and good pickles may balance out his anxiety of ultra-white M-burg.

Allessandro Likes Eric Rosenbrook’s Bouncy Sofa

Leida Margaretha and family take a field trip to Eric’s dismal abode while he’s at work. Certainly, they want to check out the accommodations to see if they meet the standards for Leida and Allesandro. As they wade through the mess of garbage and laundry, Leida’s Dad makes guttural groans. Did the 90 Day Fiance crew come and crap up the place even more before taping?

Doomsday sister Reina plops down on the now-infamous bouncy house sofa. They investigate every room like building inspectors including Eric’s bedroom then Tasha’s bedroom. When asked by producers what he thinks, Leida’s dad says “no comment”. But his indignant silence screams his disapproval.

Leida Margaretha’s Rich Dad Offers Eric an Allowance

After the sad apartment tour, the family requests a sit-down with Eric. He arrives looking like he aged a decade overnight. So the upshot is that Leida’s fam doesn’t think the place is “proper” for a family of 4, blah blah blah. Eric tells producers he doesn’t understand the big deal. It may look like something from an episode of Hoarders, but the walls aren’t spiked and there are no exposed wires, so it’s fine right?

Shrewishly, Leida addresses concerns about where Allesandro will sleep by saying Tasha needs to get the hell out. Her dad thinks Leida could be a good stepmother to Tasha, so maybe let her stay. But Leida wants NO PART of this. Leida’s dad also offers to help pay for a new place. If this was David Toborowsky, he’d already have his hand out to grab the cash. But Eric quickly rebuffs the offer – he’d prefer to keep his 90 Day Fiance in squalor.

That’s it for the 90 Day Fiance recap of Season 6 Episode 5 ‘Not What I Thought‘. If you missed last week, read the episode 4 recap to get caught up. Be sure to tune in to TLC every Sunday to catch more of the insanity.

Check back with Soap Dirt often for more 90 Day Fiance spoilers and news.

**This recap comes courtesy of guest blogger Natalie Smiley and in no way reflects the opinions of Soap Dirt or its staffers and affiliates (although we think it’s hilarious).