’90 Day Fiance’: Colt’s Confession is the Last Straw For Jess – ‘Happily Ever After’ Recap

90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After saw Colt Johnson come clean about his lies and pushes Jess Caroline to break free from him for good. Kalani Faagata gets Asuelu Pulaa into therapy but he’s still not getting it. Tania Maduro gets schooled by Syngin Colchester’s friends and family. Paul Staehle drags Karine Martins to a poop water plant. Andrei Castravet admits he fled Moldova over corrupt cops. And Angela Deem gets her wedding crown on but also some pretty cold feet. Let’s break down all the Hot Tempers And Colt Feet in this recap of season 5 episode 13.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Colt Johnson Comes Clean About Being Down and Dirty on ‘Happily Ever After’

Last week Colt Johnson was busted by girlfriend Jess Caroline after sending a flurry of d*ck pics to randoms. These women notified Jess. So Colt, found himself in a pickle over peter pics. Jess even tried to draw Colt’s mom 90 Day Fiance staple Debbie Johnson into the fray. But Colt sent her upstairs with a stiff drink. Where she perched down at the top listening  around the corner no doubt. As if his sexting spree wasn’t bad enough, Coltee wasn’t done confessing.

On 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After, he admits that his friend with occasional benefit Vanessa has taken up residence with Colt and Debbie. In the third bedroom to be specific. Between sips of beer Jess is furious. She isn’t happy at all with this Three’s Company situation. Deb appears on the landing like a ghost from Las Vegas past to yell “what’s going on”? And proceeds to blame Jess for always “flying off the handle” after offering a lame hug to Jess while winking at Colt.

Colt whines about how he really loves Jess. Not Vanessa. And admits to being a bad boyfriend and leans in for an even lamer hug than mother-wife Debbie. Jess says she’s done and bolts. Leaving Colt to shoot back some liquor before getting back online to troll for women. Jess decides a good next step is to meet up with his ex Larissa Dos Santos Lima. Who is this season’s version of gum on your shoe on 90 Day Fiance. They yuk it up about Colt’s small weenie and part as new bff’s.

Asuelu and Kalani Get Couples Therapy But He Still Doesn’t Get It

After a disastrous trip to visit his family on 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After, Kalani Faagata and Asuelu Pulaa settle in back in Utah. Kalani’s mom is kind enough to offer her daughter some sort of delicious looking donut-pancake hybrid before they discuss her issues with Asuelu. It seems Kalani wants to try therapy rather than give up so she can tell their sons they tried as best they could. And mom agrees.

Outside Kalani suggests couples therapy to Asuelu. He’s most concerned that the therapist will be white. And therefore won’t understand his side. He also points out he will need a translator. Since his English can make him sound in Andrei’s words “like a broken radio”. Kalani compromises on a male therapist and a Samoan translator. Asuelu agrees to give it a go to see if this 90 Day Fiance marriage can be saved.

The therapist ushers them in and Kalani explains they’ve hit a rough patch after his family demanded money. Asuelu says his beef is with Kalani since she went behind his back to tell them they are done with them and the handouts. The therapist is pleased they are holding hands and Asuelu rambles on about Kalani being beautiful if not bigger and older. After getting an assignment they head home and Asuelu asks her to make amends with his 90 Day Fiance family. So clearly he just doesn’t get it.

90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After: Angela Deem Deals With a Hot Drink and Cold Feet

Angela Deem hasn’t seen hubby-to-be Michael Ilesanmi since she stormed out of their combined bachelor/bachelorette party. Michael’s eye wandered to a gyrating bootie for a millisecond and it drove the Georgia meemaw into a frenzy. She decides to talk to Michael about her outburst since she was a little intoxicated. Dressed in a rainbow mumu she confronts Michael who already has a bait and switch planned. He produces the custom bouquet she will carry on her 90 Day Fiance wedding.

Angie melts at the sight of the bouquet that features all her grandkids birthstone colors. Michael also fixes her some sort of Heineken and hot sauce elixir that Tania Maduro, resident witch doctor of 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After, promised would erase the memory of other “whimmin’s asses”. So, Angie settles down and agrees the wedding is a go. After all she’s only doing it for the cake anyhow.

The wedding day is finally here and Angie’s nerves are a mess. Michael tries to calm her down by farting in her face and reminding her there will be cake. Angela calls home one last time and heads to the bridal suite with pal Jojo in tow. A male hairdresser arrives to try and tame her hair into something smooth but with minimal hairspray since she chain smokes throughout and it’s a fire hazard. Seems our 90 Day Fiance Georgia gal is finally headin’ down the aisle.

Andrei Admits He Fled Moldova To Save His Life

On 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After the Potthast clan are still on the case of Andrei Castravet’s exodus to Ireland after some shenanigans on the Moldovan police force. They even met up with his buddy Marcel behind his back to try and squeeze more info about Andrei. In spite of the fact that they are already married and the wedding is tomorrow. The Potthast’s are delighted to see a punching bag arcade game out in the town square. It reminds them of the Chuck E. Cheese in Tampa.

On 90 Day Fiance they all all take a turn on the punching bag.  Potthast patriarch Chuck packs the weakest punch in spite of weighing the most. Son Charlie Potthast isn’t much better as Andrei and the two girls show ’em how it’s done. But even getting punchy doesn’t distract from the issue at hand. So, they ambush Andrei and Libby about the morsels of information Marcel tossed their way to get them to shut up and go back to their AirBnb. Andrei explains it one last time. It was do some corrupt crap or leave. Or else.

Jen points out the obvious that he did what he had to do rather than get set up. Andrei points out her good logic with a hint of sarcasm. Charlie pouts and asks dad Chuck for more quarters for the punching game so he can channel his disappointment that Andrei hadn’t murdered an entire village and was about to get arrested. Later, Andrei explains to Libby that he didn’t tell her because he didn’t want to lose her and just like that the Moldovan mystery is solved on 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After.

Tania Maduro Finds Out What Everyone Really Thinks on 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After

On 90 Day Fiance, Tania Maduro hasn’t exactly made things easy for Syngin Colchester’s family in South Africa. She threw a tantrum at the family braai although she didn’t waste any of the delicious meat. The family decide to hit up a winery to discuss her outburst. Syngin’s step dad hasn’t even tasted the first flight when he reminds Tania that they “saw the real you” last night. In other words a whiney shrew who is a victim of Syngin’s free spirited ways.

While Tania mentally prepares her defense, he reminds her it might be time to learn a South African saying: “put a guard in front of your mouth”. Syngin’s mom says she was hurt by it all and that her son is sensitive and easy going. Syngin says he feels like he’s losing his freedom. 90 Day Fiance‘s Tania Maduro spouts off about everything she wants and needs and starts to cry a little. His dad reminds them that if they are arguing more than getting along it’s time to pull the plug.

Later, the 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever couple hit up the bar with Syngin and his former roommates. Who remember Tania as the one night stand that never left and ate all the leftovers in the fridge without asking. They tell her that she has erased the old Syngin they knew, is controlling and needs to live in the moment instead of ruining lives. Oh, and she saw the red flags with him but chose to ignore them. Burn. Who needs a jager bomb now?

Paul’s Poop Water Tour Flat Out Stinks

In a desperate effort to prove that America is better than Brazil, Paul Staehle takes Karine Martins and his son Pierre through a tour of a sewage treatment plant. Not only is it pouring rain, but it stinks plain and simple. It’s poop after all. Paul uses the opportunity to point out how bad things are in Karine’s hometown of Brazil versus in Kentucky. Where she lives in a one room cinder block with hefty bag decor and flies on 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After.

Paul even goes as far as to ask the treatment plant manager for a job. He thinks that dragging his miserable wife and infant son to the plant is a selling point. Instead Karine calls Paul a crazy dummy and tells him to shut up. So sewer manager Barry politely suggests they aren’t hiring shifty losers who subject their wife and child to a huge vat of unprocessed BM soup in the pouring rain.

Nice man Barry suggests they wait out the rain undercover. Paul complains about Karine going to seek counsel behind his back. But he’s panicked so he offers to take her back to Brazil where they will live with her parents. This produces the first smile Karine has shown all season. He points out yet again that living with her parents will be tough. But all she wants right now is to get home on 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After. 

Till next week!

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