‘The Hills: New Beginnings’ – Heidi and Spencer Pratt Return – And It’s Exactly How You Thought [Recap]

The Hills: New Beginnings premiered Monday night on MTV, as if Monday’s aren’t hard enough. As Spencer Pratt says: A decade ago Heidi Montag and I got rich and famous. And we were living a dream. But the dream wasn’t real. Um, because YOU made it a nightmare.

Returning to the Hills reboot are the cast members who really haven’t moved on from their glory days. Let’s take a look at the vapid anxiety ridden lives our former L.A. “it” kids have made for themselves. Oh, and there’s a cameo by Pamela Anderson. More on that later.

Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt (Most Annoying Couple Ever) Return To The Hills Reboot

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were household names in the reality TV world after The Hills debuted in 2006. The cheesy couple fought with everyone. Especially Spencer’s sister Stephanie Pratt. They would go on to be recognized as the most annoying couple on TV… Ever. Heidi went crazy and had 10 plastic surgeries in 24 hours. The 23-year-old emerged looking like a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills had been frozen for a decade and then thawed.

On The Hills: New Beginnings, Spencer reveals the backlash against them was real. So much so they moved to Costa Rica. Flash to a pic of Spencer in an overgrown beard looking like an albino Sasquatch. They now have a son, Gunner who’s one-and-a-half. The two lounge in their kitchen drinking huge goblets of wine out of personalized glasses. Spencer’s says “Pratt Daddy”. (insert vomit emoji). Heidi is anxious to have to socialize on the show and leave her baby and goblet of Pinot Grigio behind.

Heidi visits the newly divorced and fellow mom Audrina Patridge. Audrina and her ego too have been through a lot since The Hills fizzled out to make room for the ever-expanding Kardashian Empire and all its minions. Heidi pops champagne. Whitney Port, another casualty of post Hills anonymity joins them. While Audrina tearfully tells of her failed marriage, Heidi manages to make it all about her by getting an anxiety attack over being away from her child and personalized wine glass.

Brody Jenner Deals With Caitlin Confusion

On The Hills: New Beginnings, the dude who put the bro in bro is back. Brody Jenner is still the handsome heart-throb Hill’s fans will remember. He gets together with Spencer Pratt and Frankie Delgado another member of the original cast. Brody is married to Kaitlynn Carter. The two wed in Indonesia a year ago. None of his half sisters attended. His dad didn’t either due to a work commitment. Joining the no shows was Spencer Pratt: because he wasn’t invited.

Spencer Pratt whines about this over tequila while checking his watch. Heidi gave him a midnight curfew. Frankie, who very successfully manages and promotes clubs in LA tells a funny story. Apparently somebody named Caitlin Jenner was on the list at one of the clubs. Everyone got excited as they thought it was Brody’s dad , Caitlin Jenner. Nevertheless it was Brody’s wife Kaitlynn Carter. Brody seems a little miffed that his dad and wife share the same moniker.

The Hills: New Beginnings recap finds Brody Jenner sleeping in his car the next morning. While he is thrilled to see his dog when he wakes up, his wife not so much. Apparently unlike Heidi no set curfew was given. So Brody rolled in way too late. He claims she was a psychopath and a nightmare when he got home. And that the mere presence of her petite blonde self is giving him anxiety. So he rolls inside for some champagne to take the edge off.

Pamela Anderson Sages Son Brandon Lee’s Junk On The Hills: New Beginnings

Brandon Lee, son of Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, and Pamela Anderson, Baywatch star has joined the veteran cast. At 23 he’s the only thing on the show that’s not stale, like Heidi’s tears or Audrina’s stare. He has a cool L.A. pad, bad ass tats and some crazy “I just got laid” hair. Brody Jenner rings up Brandon claiming they are and always have been “good friends” despite the fact that when Brody was on The Hills, Brandon Lee was still in elementary school.

On The Hills: New Beginnings, Brandon’s famous mom, Pamela Anderson, is on the way over to see the new place. It seems she fled to France after Trump’s election. But she’s back to check on her son. She immediately balks at his choice of snacks. Froot Loops and peanut butter! Oh the horror! Brandon tells her that unlike her, most people eat. She suggests burning sage to rid the place of negative energy. I think she had some hiding in her hair.

Outside Pamela leaps and spins with the burning sage. She suggests they “sage each other”. When it’s her turn she places the burning sage near his junk. Oh the joys of being the spawn of Hollywood rock star royalty. Brandon tells the cameras that it’s tough to have famous parents. So he usually keeps it on the down low unless he’s asked. Good luck with that now bro.

Divorce, Mug Shots and Beefs With Perez Hilton – Just Another Day In Hollywood

To round-up the rest of The Hills: New Beginnings we also have the return of Justin Bobby Brescia. He and Audrina were an off and on thing in the original show. The two reconnect at a trendy LA eatery. And dance around the subject that will certainly be at the vortex of this drawn out yawn of a reboot. Will they or won’t they? Audrina is a mom now to 3 yr old Kirra with ex husband Corey Bohan.

She remembers a simpler time when they used to go to bars in Venice and play pool. Then he would ride his Harley off into the sunrise after banging her brains out. Then she would listen To Counting Crows and cry. Sorry that was me getting carried away. She really only said the first part. But that’s what we need to see! Not small talk over charcuterie in mood lighting.

To wrap our The Hills: New Beginnings recap, we end with Mischa Barton joining the cast. Who seems like a level-headed Soccer mom who’s finally got the right dose of Xanax. Mischa still carries a grudge against blogger Perez Hilton. And joined the globetrotting Stephanie Pratt on the beach for fruit. The only thing more forced than this scene is Stephanie’s Pepsi commercial. Next Up: Mischa will face Perez at a party for Stephanie. Yawn.

Check Soap Dirt often for all The Hills: New Beginnings news, updates and of course recaps.