Below Deck Mediterranean Season Finale Recap – Hannah and the Bag of D*cks

The Below Deck Mediterranean season finale has Hannah Ferrier running amok as the crew wraps the final charter with the primary, his two daughters, and much younger girlfriend. Said trophy GF proudly pointed out to his daughters that she sports a tramp stamp. That was classy dinner conversation on the previous episode. The season finale continued the hijinks.

The Desperation of Kasey Cohen

Below Deck Mediterranean began with Kasey Cohen making Joao Franco admit she’d be the one slinking around making out with him if she hadn’t left the table that night. Joao might have flirted with her instead of Brooke on the sly and stole her phone to snap a dicky. Joao shrugs but says she’s right. Seemingly happy with her sad consolation prize, she smugly heads to the kitchen.

This has been a particularly tough charter for Hannah Ferrier, Chief Stew with a vengeance. She suffered severe anxiety and was almost fired by Captain Sandy Yawn. Her relationship with boy-toy Conrad Empson imploded faster than a guest can finish a Titos and soda. Hannah told Conrad she changed her flight from Prague. She will head back to Aus-trail-ur but it set her back 400.

Conrad questioned why she’s putting this on him Hannah reminds him he canceled the trip. If he was a real man he’d offer to pay for half of it. He tells her a successful woman who works like she does shouldn’t be pinched by 400 bucks. I have to go with Conrad on this one. Seriously, Hannah? Did you really think someone who still looks like they carry a lunchbox to school was going to sweep you off your feet?

Brooke Laughton Butterflies Colin

Dinner began on Below Deck Mediterranean and Adam Glick was on his game cooking tomatoes. He’s dreaming of living in a van down by the river once this charter is over. Brooke Laughton sets the table in her best sea glass and swatches. Meanwhile, Trish, primary’s GF and menace to his daughters’ inheritance, arrives in a tight pink dress.

Despite the cotton candy movement suffocate, Trish makes it into a chair. She proceeded to drink from an empty glass which Hannah pointed out. Primary’s daughters were delighted as they continued to plot how to chuck future trophy wife overboard. After an awkward dinner rivaling your worst Thanksgiving, it was time to tidy.

Colin Macy-O’ Toole helped Brooke clean up the centerpieces. Brooke, with expressions wavering between mild constipation and the verge of tears, placed a butterfly in his hair. Poor sweet Colin tolerated it because as he confessed last week on Below Deck Mediterranean that he’s in love with Brooke.

Ashley Swabs the Deck With Her Backside

Meanwhile, on the upper deck charter guest, Ashley requests “one more glass of whatever she was having”. This leads to a fall, several slurred words which are so garbled they’re subtitled. “I’ll go overheard” and other nuggets of incomprehensibility. Hannah helped thing one haul thing two off to bed wishing she was the one wasted.

On the Below Deck Mediterranean season finaleKasey danced a small jig as she had prepared the last cabin. She said she’ll offer to do laundry when she gets home but that her mother probably won’t allow it. Using peroxide to dye your hair in 2018 probably shouldn’t be allowed either. Maybe Mom can spring for some Miss Clairol. 

Below Deck Mediterranean – Hannah vs. Brooke

En route back to Naples on Below Deck Mediterranean, it was mean girl time. Hannah asked Brooke in a fake-sorority-girl voice to booze with her. Brooke agreed to get her drink on. Hannah quickly turned the innocent drink into an opportunity to torment already long-suffering Brooke. 

Hannah was ready to wager her charter tips on Joao inevitably f$%#-ing her over. Vegas odds are in favor of this too, according to the latest lines. Back in Naples, Captain Sandy announced she’s taking the crew out to dinner. She showed up looking like an extra from the Thriller video. Colin performed a clever rap featuring a diss on Hannah and her Conrad/Prague fail.

At dinner, Conrad ran to the end of the table like a disobedient child to avoid Hannah. She persisted and sat next to him anyway. The conversation soon turned to post-season plans. Brooke actually displayed a quick wit and slammed Hannah – Definitely not Prague, that we know.

Bag of D*cks and Junk Selfies

Hannah glared and summoned Jamie Jason to a cig summit close enough to ensure the others hear. Hannah sucked on her cig Cruella Deville-style and blew smoke at the table while Joao laughed hysterically further stoking Hannah’s anger. While leaving, Conrad breathed a sigh of relief he wasn’t cabbing it with Hannah.

Too bad for Joao he was. Hannah went off on Joao in their cab with him and Brooke. She called him a sexist pig and tried to kick him out of the cab. He wouldn’t bail, so she crawled past him to confront Brooke. She demands to know how Brooke can be with a guy who told Hannah to eat a bag of d*cks and swallow nails.

Brooke defended him as a good guy with a rough life and a fondness for snapping selfies of his junk on other girls phones. Hannah told Brooke to f#$% off and Brooke grew a tiny set of testicles and told Hannah the same. Lots of junk references on the season finale of Below Deck Mediterranean.

Hide And Go Hannah Ferrier

Shamed by Colin’s rap, Adam cooked up a storm since he failed the crew most of the season. Meanwhile, Conrad ran through the halls dragging a duvet, desperate to hide from Hannah. Hide and go seek is fun unless you’re chased by a crazed b*tch with an Aussie accent and smoke-breath.

Hannah Ferrier found Conrad and called him “baby”. He told her to go away. She did but then came back with a story of another yacht where someone improbably wants to f#$% her. Hannah wanted to see if Conrad was jealous. Conrad’s focused on getting home to his matchbox collection and Boy Scout badges.

But Hannah won’t be dissuaded. She reminded Conrad he had a six-week dry spell and told him, “take my pants off”. Good thing he had a duvet since the bedding commenced. Cue heavy breathing. In the morning, the others asked if he was captured by the dragon. Cue Hannah dragon imitations and hilarity ensued.

Kasey Admits She’s a B

Kasey walked in on Brook and Joao and asked if its bad timing knowing that she’s being a little B. She like the annoying freshman cheerleader in high school who suddenly starts showing up at parties and everyone secretly hates (except the senior boys). People are saying their goodbyes while Adam dreams of being homeless again soon.

Captain Sandy gloated about a crew that went from a 2 to a 10, leaving one to wonder who would hire 2s in the first place. Bet the high-maintenance guests would love to know they were carted around in a ginormous yacht on the open sea by a crew of Forrest Gumps. Sandy also apologized to Hannah who tells her she will spend her tips on therapy.

As Hannah departed she informs us that in future relationships she will try to “let men get closer”. Because demanding they take your pants off must not be close enough? This is going to be some reunion next week! Sail on!

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