’90 Day Fiance’: Colt’s PDA Makes Debbie Pukey

On 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After, Debbie Johnson makes it to Brazil with son Colt Johnson, but things are literally too close for comfort. Syngin’s feeling trapped but Tania doesn’t give a flying F. Asuelu has no apology for Kalani and Michael shakes a rat at Angela. Buckle up and let’s take the wild ride of season 5 episode 5 “Drive me Crazy Like a Roulette Wheel”. You can watch HEA Sundays at 8 on TLC.

Debbie Johnson Qyeasy as Colt Johnson Gets Sleazy  On 90 Day Fiance

Colt Johnson and mother-wife Debbie Johnson pack for Brazil. They share a flirty exchange about bathing suits and Brazilian bikinis. Debbie ponders what the Wal-Mart there is like. Pretty much the same as here but with less fat people. Debbie also worries what will happen if she gets lost or her phone won’t work. Debbie Johnson cautions Colt that if she doesn’t get a good feeling about Jess Caroline, she’s going to sabotage the relationship. Hey, it worked with Larissa.

Debbue continues flaunting her sophisticated cultural taste by expressing delight that there is a Panda Express at the airport on 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After. If she spots a can of Dinty Moore soon, her trip would be complete. The initial meeting with Jess is a bit awkward as is everything with Colt Johnson and mama Debbie Johnson. Debbie calls the new  Brazilian bae “a pretty little girl” and “voluptuous.” The mood changes quickly when Jess brings up sex after Debbie mentions Colt’s speedo.

Colt’s PDA Pushes Debbie Over The Edge on Happily Ever After

Things are moving right along as the throuple heads for the hotel on 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After. Jess starts talking about baby names and sucks Colt Johnson’s face. Debbie Johnson is appalled and melts down. Debbie’s sick, she’s done, DONE. So, Jess managed to bring out the she-wolf in Debbie in less than a half hour. Debbie mutters to production that Colt Johnson needs to stop the PDA now. (Amen Deb…).

As Colt wrestles with the door of the room he got for all three, Debbie sputters like an overheated furnace. ‘I’m almost 70 effin’ years old! I gotta lay down or I’m gonna die right here in this hall!” It’s even worse when the “suite” Colt Johnson booked is two rooms with a sliding door. Debbie Johnson tells them to get out as she realizes she’s  about to hear some matteess dancing soon. Colt Johnson just says Debbie’s not being a team player. That’s one 90 Day Fiance team no one should be on.

Syngin’s Cagey On 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After

Tania Maduro and a pal head out for manicures and girl talk. Tania sips champagne and complains about Syngin Colchester’s drinking. She says things are strained. Her friend suggests it’s probably because he’s been waiting on her hand and foot. She admits he does then kind of grunts and sighs about it. Tania explains that she still can’t work. Because there are no jobs you can do sitting at a desk, you know. Syngin failed at his interview, and rent is due.

On 90 Day Fiance, it’s a little baffling that with a freshly inked witch doctor diploma, she can’t speed her healing or drum up some work. Syngin feel antsy as the couple goes to dinner. She  starts in on him drinking over a few healthy pours of wine. Syngin admits he feels trapped. And that if it wasn’t for the accident, they wouldn’t be stuck in Connecticut. But rather, they’d be traveling and having fun.

Syngin suggests that he doesn’t want to raise kids in America. Tania points out how well she turned out as Syngin chokes a little and brings up soulmate-gate. Tania starts crying and gaslighting him. He says he came halfway across the world to start a new chapter. But he didn’t expect her to publicly embarrass him and count his beers. Not to mention making him carry her everywhere. Next week, it looks like Syngin heads to South Africa.

Kalani’s Getting The Life Sucked Out of Her on Happily Ever After

Meanwhile on 90 Day Fiance: HEA, Kalani Faagata and family sit down to breakfast in a California AirBnb. The only thing thicker than the Faagata sister’s hair is the serious tension. After Asuelu Pulaa called Kalani a lying b**ch, he stormed out with half of a bitter orange, a juice box and some quarters for bus fare. After realizing the bus wasn’t headed to Utah, he got off. And gave Kalani three fake locations for sh*ts and giggles before telling the truth.

Now, on 90 Day Fiance, he’s put himself in time-out with his favorite video game. Sister Kolini Faagata’s eyes flash with smug satisfaction as she chews her sausage links. She tells production that Kalani already has two kids sucking the life out of her. She doesn’t need another one sucking her dry. Father Kalani rages too. Only Mother Kalani lays out a ground rule of everyone keeping their cool for Oliver’s sake. Kalani tries to coax Asuelu out, but he’s afraid of the scary man with the braided beard.

Family and friends arrive for the party on 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After. They want to know where Asuelu’s hiding. He’s still in his room threatening Kalani that if she keeps talking, he will say bad things. This isn’t enough for Kalani’s pop. So, he tells Asuelu to get his a*s outside and that next time it will just be a straight-up whooping. Asuelu carries a used paper plate in to help clean up but still doesn’t apologize to Kalani.

Michael Gives a Rat’s A** on 90 Day Fiance

Angela Deem’s getting her ducks in a row as she heads to Nigeria to marry Michael Ilesanmi. The long running 90 Day Fiance couple make it official soon. Angela gets a friend to help with her pack of grandkids and ailing mom. After saying her goodbyes, she lights up and leaves Georgia behind. She touches base with pal and weddin’ witness Jojo, and she’s off.

In scene all too familiar to 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After viewers, Ms. Deem arrives at the airport sweaty and in a poor choice of top. Michael awaits in the usual place and hugs her and says he’s happy while Angie reminds him he’s probably just horny. The two decide to live together in an apartment this time to test the waters. Angie thinks it’s pretty nifty until she spots a dead rat in a trap. Michael picks it up and chases her with it. Gotta hope these two crazy kids make it this time.

Paul Uses Pierre As a Pawn But Edna’s Not Budging

Paul Staehle is really in a bind on 90 Day Fiance. He has no money, no job, and mom Edna Staehle isn’t enabling his foolishness any longer. In their room at the Louisville Derby Inn and Suites, he schools Karine on properly cleaning poop off their son’s balls. Karine is annoyed, as usual, and refuses to go to dinner with mother Paul. Or maybe she just wants a Pole-free evening.

Paul meets up with Edna on 90 Day Fiance, who is disappointed that Karine and baby aren’t there. She says they’re the only reason she came. Paul asks for money and uses Pierre as a pawn while gnawing stick meat. This makes mother Paul even angrier and she doesn’t want her grandson used as guilt leverage. She dishes out her version of tough love which is more like tough s*it. Gone is the nice lady who sends him off with a lock of her hair. Edna’s got a new attitude.

Paul’s Supermarket Sweep  Fails To Impress Karine on 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After

Next, Paul takes Karine to Kroger to anaze her with the American miracle of supermarkets. Apparently bulk discount bargbargains aren’t a thing in Brazil. He scoops up a stack of baby wipes and repeats “buy 5 save $5” until Karine hides behind a chickpea display. Next, he grabs tampons and pads off the shelves and does a gesture to explain how a tampon “goes in the hole.” Mortified  Karine keeps saying “shut up Pole.” He does not.

Next up on 90 Day Fiance, Paul arranged for them to look at a couple rentals in the trailer park. The first one is an “as is” deal that looks like a standard set on Hoarders. It’s a hard no from Karine and the second trailer is a lot better, but she’s still not game on Happily Ever After.

Karine dreams of a large airy house with a big backyard, 2 bedrooms, and zero Paul. She doesn’t seem to understand why Paul isn’t making this happen. She threatens again to take Pierre and head back to Brazil. Paul isn’t too worried. He’s still high off his buy-5 save-5 baby wipe deal. They could always live in the car if they had too. If it was good enough for a family of racoons, it’s good enough for them.

Andrei Channels His Alpha Male In Moldova

Free from the constant attacks of the Potthast clan, Andrei Castravet is letting his alpha male flag fly. He taunts wifey Elizabeth Potthast about her lack of homemaking skills. And brags about his mother’s everyday breakfast towers of fruits, pastry and assorted coffee and teas. He even lies and mistranslates what his mother actually said when Libby suggested such elaborate every day breakfasts must be tiring on 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After.

Later, they meet up with Andrei’s buddies at the bar. He attacks Libby in the Uber asking if she wants a podium to spew her new feminism. His friends mock him for not working and call him a housewife. Andrei’s answer is to drink more and say something negative about Libby or American women and how superior Moldovan women are.

On 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After, Libby pulls his sis in law and another female pal aside. She explains that her sister Jen is loud and rude just like Andrei. Therefore, they hate each other. She tells Andrei that she warned them about Jen and he just keeps being an a-hole and says Jen may have to sleep in the basement if she pisses off any of his crew. Libby is mad, of course. Will these two even make it to the altar in Moldova?

Larissa Gets Bullied For Cheesy Butt on 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After

Larissa Lima dodged a bullet for now. After being called to court, she was afraid of getting deported. But it turned out to be nothing. So, she can stay put for now. But she is tired of being single and is jealous Colt has a girlfriend. She decides to reconnect with her ex, Eric Nichols. He agrees to meet her and lets her know he didn’t appreciate her breaking up with him via text. Or making a police report on him.

It seems some girls got ahold of her number and mocked her for having a “cheesy butt.” She assumed it was Eric who leaked her digits and involved the LVPD. She says she still has feelings for him even though their chemistry fizzled. He says he misses her too and just like that TLC found a way to keep this pointless cheesy butt storyline going for another week. You can watch 90 Day Fiance: HEA Sundays on TLC.

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