‘Love After Lock Up’: Clint Bawls on Toilet – Tracie Makes Drug Run – Worst Honeymoon Ever?

This Love After Lockup recap shows Clint and Tracie finally get hitched after she shows up five hours late for the doomed nuptials. Elsewhere, Michael picks a fight with wife Sarah so he can head to Niagara Falls to deflower side chick Megan.

Plus, Matt enjoys cold beer in the sun while Caitlin throws shade. And Brittany is on cloud nine after a visit from ex-girlfriend and prison BAE Amanda. Let’s check in with our newly sprung cast and their weary mates.

Love After Lockup Recap: Matt Boozes, Caitlin Loses

On Love After Lockup Matt is five days out of the pokey and life is good. He’s got his mama around to wash his and Caitlin’s post-sex skivvies. Mom isn’t happy about it, but there she is soaking those undies. Unshaven Matt gleefully pops a Corona for breakfast. Caitlin wants him to put down the beer and get a job. Matt thinks it’s funny.

Matt makes it clear his one passion in life is meth. He claims he already feels superior, but the street drug elevates it to a whole new level. Word of advice Caitlin: find a man who talks about you the way Matt talks about meth.

Matt and Caitlin go to dinner on Love After Lockup. Caitlin schools the fresh felon on etiquette. A napkin on his lap can catch any food that shoots out his “tooth hole”.  Matt gets the check and tells his honey they should dine and ditch. High-strung Caitlin freaks as he says “JK”. More advice for Caitlin: ditch Matt, not the check.

Michael Snatches Megan’s V-Card – Sarah Stews

Megan is dreamy-eyed while packing for the Falls on Love After Lockup. Michael has arranged for her de-flowering but needs to ditch his wife first. Megan’s pop warns her on the foolishness but she’s got panty-dropping plans.

Meanwhile, oblivious Sarah ring shops with Michael. She happily tells the clerk they got married in prison. The clerk laughs it off (and keeps her finger on the silent alarm). In the car, Michael works to piss off Sarah saying he doesn’t need to wear a ring. She’s triggered and goes Sasha Fierce on his smug *ss in her convenience store aviators.

Sarah of the 500 voices leaves angry. So, Michael is free to rob Megan of her virginity. She chats to the driver about her upcoming tryst with the ex-con. She wants to know what Michael has planned. But the driver won’t spill. Sarah continues bitching while Michael is on his way to Niagara Falls to bed his fiancee with his wife sidelined.

Love After Lockup: Marcelino Fears Step-Fatherhood

On Love After Lockup, Brittany basks in the glow of her poolside rendezvous with ex-GF and former celly Amanda. Marcelino shows up with fruit but no clues. Brittany is waiting for the right time to tell him she wants a bit of lady love action on the side. Considering Marcelino is so laid back (cough cough), that should go great…

But first, Brittany and Marcelino plan to see her young son, Giovanni. Her honey is worried about being a stepdad since his was an a*shole. In an aside, Marcelino reveals that a woman alone can’t raise a man. This hasn’t made him very popular on social media after the show. Here’s hoping for a sweet reunion for Brittany and her son.

Tracie Makes Clint Wait At The Altar

On Love After Lockup, Clint basks in the neon glow of a boozy dive. He and Tracie are set to get married. Too bad she took the car and his debit card on a joy ride. The pastor shows up and it seems like he should be more hesitant to marry Clint to someone so fresh from jail she still smells like a prison jumpsuit.

The gushing groom is sure Tracie (four hours late at this point) will show. Clint paces and mumbles. Then suddenly, Tracie is there rocking stripper heels, an exposed pink bra strap, and ill-fitting glitter dress. Tracie looks high as a kite as she wobbles to the altar.

Clint is in awe of his glassy-eyed bride and reads his vows like a teacher’s pet reciting a book report. Tracie races through her vows and wonders if tequila shots are on special tonight. They mug for the camera and Tracie shows off her bling. She is “murried”! She says people thought Clint might be a serial killer. He’s not (yet).

Clint’s Love After Lockup Wedding Night From Hell

Newlyweds Clint and Tracie leave the venue and he tries to carry his bride to the car, knees buckling. He’s ready for them to “make love” (cringe). Then, Tracie gnaws her press-on nails and says she needs a drink. After a content disclaimer flashes, we learn that Tracie went MIA with Clint’s car, wallet and phone.

Several empty shot glasses, limes and a lone tacky shoe are all that’s left. Clint bawls to producers that he went out for a bit to clear his head after a fight and when he came back his bride had bolted. SHOCKER! The producer allows him to use his phone to call his Mom. She talks to him like he’s eight and peed his pants in school.

This episode should have been titled Orange Is The New Crack. Then, Clint reveals that Tracie’s got a wee problem with rock. So,

Mama Clint Googles it while Clint sobs. He sits on a toilet and says all he wants is for his runaway bride to be okay. AWW. Unfortunately, we have to wait till next week to see how this ends.

Check back to Soap Dirt often for the next Love After Lockup recap,news, and spoilers.