90 Day Fiance Recap: Angela and Rachel Finger Fight – Jesse Rocks Crop Pants – Before the 90 Days ‘Tell All’

On the 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days Tell All, Angela Deem and Rachel Bear spew F-bombs while the men hold them back. Jesse Meester dropped by to pout provocatively. Hazel Cagalitan confessed to a bombshell while Tarik Myers talked dirty. Paul Staehle shared happy news then made Karine Martins cry.

Darcey Silva persisted in her denial of reality. It was touch and go with accusations and explosions. All in all, an excellent Tell All episode to end the season of 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days. Let’s see who was onboard the trainwreck and check out the devastation!

Angela Deem Put Fingers in Faces and Uncomfortable Places…

Like eating your chocolate cake before the meatloaf, we’re going to start with the explosive conclusion to the 90 Day Fiance Tell All special. In the final moments, the Americans gathered ensemble-style on the couch. Jesse Meester threw a backstage tantrum and was allowed to join the US couch crew. He got a chair in the cheap seats and settled in looking blotchy and angry. Then things turned crazy.

Rachel Bear was asked about taking baby Lucy overseas to meet a violent trash man with anger issues. Rachel turned the heat up on Darcey Silva about Jesse. Tarik Myers called Jesse a diva who goes from zero to 100 in seconds. Tarik spouted about toxicity and Rachel said Darcey and Jesse play the blame game. That was the pre-cursor to a Maury-like couch scene that almost came to blows.

Rachel Bear Don’t Know Nothing

On 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days, Angela Deem chimed in that Rachel “doesn’t know nothing about their relationship”. Sloppy grammar aside, Angela wasn’t wrong. Rachel made an innocuous swirly finger gesture a full four feet from Angela. The south Georgia shrieker went off on Rachel, called her a b*tch and threatened to knock her out. The poor guys tried to hold back Angela’s girth but that was a losing battle.

Angela stormed off set and Paul awkwardly talked about prison protocol of not pointing fingers. Angela took her Georgia ass home but before that, she broke up with Michael Ilesanmi and a bunch of other tea was spilled. Read on to see what happened as the show unpacked the drama from all season long.

90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days– Paul Staehle’s Hairy Backpack

First up on the Before the 90 Days Tell All was Paul Staehle who told host Shaun Robinson that he no longer takes for granted things like air conditioning and water so clean you don’t need to swim wearing a condom. Karine Martins joins via Skype sporting a fresh new do but with the same old petulant attitude. As an added treat, Paul’s mom Skyped too. Paul creepily comments that they’re his two favorite women and he has both their hair in his backpack. He mentions that a lot on 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days.

Turns out Paul is too broke to bring his Brazilian bride to the good old USA. He says he needs his parents to sponsor her, but there’s a hitch. While Paul’s relationship with his mom is quasi-Norman Bates, the way he talks about his dad is downright cultish. According to Paul, everything in the family must go through “father“ and that mother is not permitted to go against father. This explains a lot about his firebug history, paranoid packing, and other “interesting” behavior. Paul’s mom warns Karine that he’s a handful. No sh*t Sherlock.

Paul Puts Karine Martins to the Test (Again)

Then on 90 Day Fiance, Karine and Paul reveal she is pregnant. Of course, Paul loves nothing better than making his bride take tests so he tells the world the baby needs a DNA test. He wants to make sure he’s the fadda. Nino? My Nino? Quizzed by the host, Paul admits he found flirtatious messages on her phone.

This makes Karine upset and she says she hopes her K-1 visa isn’t approved. She admits talking to other men online but says they are far away and therefore couldn’t have impregnated her. Guess she didn’t learn anything from being careless with heart emojis in the past. We end with Paul telling Karine he loves her while she glares. Mazel Tov!

Jon Walters – Husband, Father, King of Weston-Super-Market

Next, on the 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days couch is Rachel. She married Jon two months ago and is the happiest she’s ever been. One must wonder about her perspective since he’s an ex-garbage man, 5000 miles away. and 50 grand in debt. Suddenly Jon Walters is on the screen drinking out of a husband father king mug. He says he changed his sleep schedule so he can Skype with Rachel.

Being unemployed must have certainly made that easier. Of course, Shaun brings up his infamous criminal record. He rambles on about having enough testosterone to be a man and calls most of his gender out for being beta males and pathetic little p*ssies. Who could doubt him? After all, don’t most alpha males usually still live with their mums?

Adorable Little Lucy Drops By

The shining spot of the Tell All 90 Day Fiance show was little Lucy Bear who’s always a delight. This season’s breakout star, she smiled for all. Shaun brings up the transcontinental umbilical cord shipment. Jon made a gross beef jerky joke about it. Did husband father king really take a nibble of the after birth? Yum! Between that and Paul’s hair collection, no doubt several viewers threw up in their mouths a little.

Jon’s visa is nonexistent according to Rachel. Guess that means baby Lucy will be making more trips across the pond. Jon also insists he’s got his temper under control while raging uncontrollably. Yikes. What a fairytale love they have. While fans are always happy to see the adorable baby, they’re sick of that tired top and jeans Rachel always wears. She needs to spend some of that Go Fund Me money at Old Navy.

90 Day Fiancé – Ricky Reyes Sits on a Throne of Lies

Next up is master 90 Day Fiance manipulator Ricky Reyes. We cut to a scene of him taking his daughter for soft serve ice cream. He reveals to her that Melissa (the actress cast for those restaurant scenes) didn’t pan out romantically. But Voila! He had a back up on Colombian Cupid all along. He tells his kid about second-plate Ximena. His daughter looks at him the way we all do: with disgust and disbelief.

She tells him he needs to slow things down a little. Daughter Amber can breathe a sigh of relief that Ximena is done with his lies and won’t be her stepmom anytime soon. Ricky decided to make a go of it with his not-so-ex-wife. Oh wait, I thought they split up. But no, they’re still married. Oh wait, it’s complicated. So Ricky… we know you’re lying because your lips are moving.

Ximena Ain’t Having It

Another foreigner shows up on-screen on 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days. Colombian cutie Ximena is pissed off. She’s got red lips and hard eye rolls. When grilled by Shaun about Ricky’s many lies she calls him an idiot which sounds so much better in Spanish. There’s much back and forth as Ricky continues to weave his rapidly-unraveling web of lies.

The scorned Latina signs off after thanking Ricky for doing her a favor so she doesn’t have to deal with his two-timing ass. Well done girl. As for Ricky’s wife, she’s hit out on social media against him for lying to her too, so that reconciliation is likely another in a long, exhausting line of lies, lies, lies.

90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days: Angela Trusts Michael 99% But Then…

When she first takes the stage, Angela Deem is all smiles and rocking a pink top, some snazzy leggings, and cross earrings circa 1987. We revisit the famous May-chal, my bank account is empty scene. Big Ang says that it was an ATM malfunction and not a Nigerian scam. Michael Ilesanmi joins us with visions of Donald Trump dancing in his head.

Angela says she now trusts him 99%. The other 1% no doubt being anxiety over late night club BJs. All said everything was going smoothly for the lovebirds until Shaun plays a video of Michael and his friends the day before Angela’s arrival. Michael refers to her as “his elder” and says in his culture, you must respect your elders.

The Elder Angela Deem Explodes on 90 Day Fiance

In the biggest overreaction in TLC history, Angela Deem lost her mind and stormed off set throwing her mic and screaming about Michael (accurately) impugning her age. Angela rants, dropping a steady stream of f-bombs in her wakes and says she’s “hay-miliated”. That’s how they say humiliated down in Hazlehurst. Always keeping it classy, Angela puffed a Marlboro for comfort and says she’ll have the last word.

Michael begs for forgiveness as his American Dream spirals down the drain. Angela comes back and says she’s done with Michael and won’t be hay-miliated. She already started the K-1 process but is ready to scrap it. It’s Michael’s fault she acted like a trash-mouth on TV (says her). Angela, honey, you did that all on your own… Even if she didn’t win her Nigerian prince, she’s still got her integrity…

90 Day Fiance – Tarik Myers Breaks the Pillow Barrier

Next up is our favorite mesh wearing, rapping delight Tarik Myers, the swinger. He is still on cloud nine that Hazel Cagalitan, his dead-ringer for Angelina Jolie, said yes to his proposal. Hazel Skypes in and over-eager host Shaun gets right to the good stuff. She wants to know if they’re knocking boots.

TLC treats us to a clip of the famous pillow barrier from a previous 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days. Then Tarik confirms (as does Hazel) that they have indeed been intimate. He reveals that she is reserved until they’re alone, stopping short of avowing her a freak between the sheets. Things take a strange turn when Hazel admits she had a pregnancy scare.

Tarik says something like you know she was late… like you know the cycles… Everyone’s favorite blowhard brother Dean Myers joins the party and accuses Hazel of shopping for American men on “buy me, marry me” sites. Hazel delivers a monotone monologue about her love for Tarik. Looks like Hazel is headed to the US but admits she’ll have to leave her son behind.

Jesse Meester and Darcey Silva – Oompa Loompa And Extensions

The eternal train wreck of Jesse Meester and Darcey Silva pulled into the Tell All show for a contentious stop. Darcey was solo on the couch with fresh blond extensions and a tube dress. You could bounce a quarter off her forehead and it looks like she might have had a little too much of a certain injection. Hint: it rhymes with “glow socks”.

Darcey tries to play the liberated woman card and says Jesse’s words don’t hurt her anymore. Then Jesse turned up unexpectedly after what could only be an unfortunate run-in at the spa with a blind spray tanner. Agent Orange was rocking a skin-tight Jack Skellington suit cropped to show his ankles. One thing Darcey and Jesse do have in common: their fashion sense (mwa ha ha).

Choo Trowing and Other Accusations

Jesse brings up “choo trowing” and alcoholism while Darcey Silva claps back that he shoved her. This is the first we’ve heard of this and it infuriates Mr. Amsterdamaged who storms off to rant and pace backstage. He returns to perch on the sofa again while Darcey says he just wanted to come to America for opportunities.

There’s footage of Darcey and her kids getting pedicures while Jesse glares from the couch. They say he’s “an acquaintance” and they’re relieved he’s out of their mom’s life. When asked about their love lives post-split, Darcey admits she’s got a couple of numbers – Probably 911 and 5151 (Google it). Seemingly ravaged by the experience, Jesse Meester doesn’t plan to date anytime soon.

57% Failure Rate on 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days

To summarize the aftermath of Season 2 of 90 Day FIance: Before the 90 Days

Broken Up: Annoying Orange and Botox Betty hugged it out by the end of the show but don’t expect anything more from them.

Split Up: Georgia Ass Face and Trump-Loving Michael are also kaput but Angela is still in love with Marlboro Reds and has a new man.

Blew Up: Ohio Pinnochio and all his Colombian cupids are dunzo. Nuff said about him.

Never Was: Marta and Daya failed to launch. Remember them? Neither does anyone else…

Engaged: Tarik of the mesh shirts and long-haired Hazel are headed for K-1 conjugal bliss.

Married: UK Lawn Gnome and Lucy’s Mom are hitched and making it work long-distance.

Hitched ‘n Preggo: Karine’s gestating in South America while Paul moved back home to his mom, but they’re still hitched.

The Before the 90 Days fun is done and this season was the gift that kept on giving. But don’t despair, TLC debuts Season 6 of regular 90 Day Fiance next Sunday. So tune in then so you don’t miss a thing.

Check back with Soap Dirt often for the latest and best 90 Day Fiance spoilers and news.

**This recap comes courtesy of guest blogger Natalie Smiley and in no way reflects the opinions of Soap Dirt or its staffers and affiliates (although we think it’s hilarious).