’90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After’: Larissa Breaks Colt’s Heart With a Single Flush

90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After is back. Just like that late night convenience store chili dog after margaritas. It’s delicious, spicy and fraught with guilt. And bound to burn you in the end. This 90 Day Fiance recap touches on all those feelings and more. And this is only episode one. So let’s chug some Pepto Bismol and catch up with our faves on Season 4, Episode 1  “After the Dust Settles” of TLC’s runaway train wreck.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Ashley Martson Dumps Jay Smith in the Middle of the Road

On 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After, the skies went from Jamaican blue to Pennsylvania grey for Ashley and Jay. They drive down the quiet streets of Mechanicsburg under a gloomy outlook. Ashley reminisces about their first hook up in Jamaica when Jay slithered up to her on the dance floor. And they spent the next eight days in her hotel room. Once back home, Jay kept the spark alive by sending shirtless selfies. (Red flag number 262).

After a Vegas wedding officiated by a bloated Elvis impersonator (Red Flag 274), the two shared a pouty faced limo ride and Jay made a quick Tinder account. And maybe not in that order. That brings us to now on 90 Day Fiance. He claims the account was idle. Ashley calls BS. He says he doesn’t know what that means and throws him out of the car like fast food trash. Jay wanders the streets while production films, refusing to give him a ride apparently.

On 90 Day Fiance, Ashley sulks at home. But it seems no amount of inspirational throw pillows and monochromatic beige can soothe her wounded ego. As she scratches her head wondering how it all went from a sweaty dance hall hook up to this, Jay comes home thirsting for a Capri Sun and Spaghetti O’s. (Red flag # 298).  Things seem done for them.

90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After? – Pedro Jimeno Wants Away From The Family Chantel

This 90 Day Fiance recap finds Pedro Jimeno and Chantel Everett apartment hunting in Savannah. Far enough away from the family Chantel to harvest the American dollar in peace. And more so to avoid dinner time brawls that end with someone’s weave dangling from mother Chantel’s grip. The wife’s wardrobe is smaller but her boobs are bigger. We revisit the whole trip to the Dominican Republic.

She complains to 90 Day Fiance producers in her monotone bot voice. “I won’t get to see my family. For customer service press star. Oh I mean I’m in school and it might affect my program. For English press 1. Damn it!” The two head out for some cranberry vodkas and pool. The discussion turns to the future. Chantel says she’s not so sure. She doesn’t want to have kids in the middle of all the turmoil.

On 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After, the couple fight and are still tense. Pedro feels he is blamed for everything. He’s hurt by her comments about having kids. Chantel is low on battery so she just stares blankly to conserve power. He finally says it doesn’t matter where they move. He thinks she is the problem. Chantel walks out. All we know now is that it will get more stupider.

Colt Johnson and Larissa Dos Santos Lima’s Marriage in the Toilet – Literally

This 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After recap finds Colt and mother-wife Debbie gambling in a Vegas casino. Colt takes a break from rolling the dice to let us know that married life with the queen is no picnic. Certainly, it’s hell. Debbie agrees. He had a confrontation with Larissa and called the cops. Afterward the state pressed domestic violence charges. Now Mother Debbie J is stuck driving Larissa to the DUI Doctor lawyer while her trial awaits.

Then, Larissa dishes on her two-day jail stint. She was cold, served bad food and someone wanted to kill her. How is that different from Debbie and Colt’s house? Colt tries to train Larissa’s new cat not to terrorize the others. Funny how a guy who lives with cats calls cops because someone (allegedly) scratched him. Larissa’s green card is at stake, because if she’s convicted she could be deported.

On 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After, Debbie prepares an entire side of beef for Colt and Larissa. The bloody feast goes awry when the two talk about wedding rings. Larissa announces she flushed hers down the toilet along with a hefty swirl of bowl cleaner as she’s the only one who cleans. Debbie is enraged. Then, the alleged abuser asks producers to interview her in the car as she’s deathly afraid of something. And it’s not e coli from that overly rare steak.

90 Day Fiance: Nicole Nafziger and Azan Tefou – Less Than 55% Chance Beauty Shop Exists

Nicole and daughter May are back in Florida. Her hair is now the color of an expired Twinkie. Nicole is still grooming May to call Azan daddy by pointing to the word Moroccan on a hair product. But certainly the product didn’t come from Azan’s make-upstore. Because, as she tells her sister, there never was or will be an Azan Beauty Emporium.

We revisit the bathroom scene where Nicole’s friend sent her recordings of Azan asking another girl for a kiss. Fans of Moroccan beauty products rest assured. Because Nicole has forgiven him the transgression. Still, Nicole is hell-bent to marry Azan. She’s considering taking May to Morocco or any country that won’t stop her foolishness. May, we’re pulling for you kid. 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After leaves us hanging.

Andrei Castravet & Elizabeth Potthast and Russ & Paola Mayfield – Knocked Up

On 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After S4 E 1 “After the Dust Settles” we dust off some really old couples. Remember Elizabeth and Andrei (pronounce with rolled R). The spoiled princess with the nosy ass family and the Moldovan alpha male? Well they are pregnant. And as Andrei quickly points out it was unexpected. He completed truck driving school but doesn’t have a job yet. The road rage possibilities are endless.

Elizabeth’s sisters and sister-in-law circle her like prey at the cookout. The sister-in-law might have said “maybe the dingo ate your baby” in between sips of her morning Prosecco. Since Elizabeth and Andrei are shacking up free in one of daddy’s rentals, their life or child is not their own. And Andrei certainly has no right to establish any boundaries for his child. Meaning they can take it to Vegas as soon as it’s born for a boozy brunch if the sisters get their way.

In the Happily Ever After world, Pao resurfaced. She put her days of being a Reggaeton video starlet behind her. She and Russ are expecting a baby boy. So, her plans to take Gisele Bundchen’s crown have to wait. Russ’s family back in Oklahoma want to throw her a baby shower. Of course, Pao consults her Miami posse to complain about this. She just waaants to beee agggcepppted! Don’t we all.

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